


Three Years

by rundaehyun



Category: B.A.P
Genre: 2jae if you squint harder, JJP if you squint, M/M, heartbreak AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-12 19:45:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5678356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rundaehyun/pseuds/rundaehyun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was a distinct, awful pain that comes with loving someone way more than they love you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three Years

**Author's Note:**

> Because angsty Daehyun is kinda the reason im living but my heart is too weak for that

How long had it been? Three years?

 

Youngjae was bright like the sunshine and Daehyun liked the beautiful sparkle of his brown eyes. He was like an artwork whose beauty could be seen by many, but no one was allowed to touch. Daehyun saw him first when things were new. Youngjae had the most uncommon glow when he moved his bow against the strings of his violin—the glow that made him seemed faraway, unreachable. He closed his eyes as the beautiful sound of his violin echoed inside the empty concert hall, and Daehyun felt at that moment Youngjae was the center of the earth’s gravity.

 

Three years ago. The gravity was too strong to defy and Daehyun let himself fall.

 

The door in front of Daehyun opened, and there he was, the soft beauty who had Daehyun’s heart in the palm of his hands. He had been seeing the clear brown orbs almost everyday in three years, but in every single stare they managed to give him another reason to lost all over again.

 

And today was that one day when the light in those doe eyes were dim like the sky when it’s about to rain. Daehyun wondered what was the reason this time, but he just smiled when their eyes met. Youngjae’s jet black hair was messy, his clothes wrinkled, and from that Daehyun knew he had just laid down or woken up from a nap.

 

“Why are you all wet again, Daehyun, I said put an umbrella in your car.” That was a sign for Daehyun to come inside, and although he sounded grumpy, that was how he showed concern.

 

Daehyun liked to see how Yongjae curled up inside pillows and blankets nest that he build in front of the TV when it’s cold and rainy outside. His head was the only thing showed up and his nose got all red from the cold. He liked the smell of warm honey lemon tea and Daehyun was usually the one who made it for him.

 

For most people, Youngjae was confusing. He looked tiny and fragile but actually he had a very strong personality. He looked weak and clumsy but actually he’s one of the most independent person Daehyun ever known. For most people, even for Daehyun, Youngjae’s mood and feeling were confusing. When he loved, when he hated, even when he didn’t feel anything at all, Daehyun could only guess and sometimes his guess were wrong.

 

After three years Daehyun still didn’t understand Youngjae.

 

All Daehyun knew was something that felt like a pleasant pain in his lower chest everytime Youngjae was around. How it felt good when Youngjae could laugh because of Daehyun’s lame jokes. How it’s comforting to hear the sound of his breath when he fell asleep when he read his novels. How it’s fulfilling even just from the grunts he made as answers when Daehyun whispered love words to his ear. And the list continued, even Daehyun could remember every little things like how Youngjae squinted his eyes under the strong heat of the sun in summer days.

 

After three years, Youngjae was still the center of Earth’s gravity.

 

Daehyun sat down beside the pile of blankets on the carpeted floor, not too close because Youngjae was a big believer of personal space.

 

It was eight at night, it was raining outside and the TV showed a barely interesting cooking show. Youngjae was closing his eyes, with a First Phonecall from Heaven novel on his chest. Daehyun smiled. Youngjae was a book freak and he treated his books like treasures—neatly wrapped in transparent plastic cover with unexistent wrinkles.

 

Daehyun loved it when Youngjae reads. He forgot the time, he even forgot to eat and bathe. He reads like the book consumed him, sometimes Daehyun had to pull his hand from his mouth because Youngjae tend to bite his nails when the story had drowned him.

 

“Have you had dinner?” Daehyun asked. Youngjae only responded with a low grunt, that meant no, he hadn’t.

 

“Are you coming down with fever?” Daehyun came closer to put the back of his hand on Youngjae’s neck, checking on his temperature. Youngjae grunted in discomfort as he scooted further, and it broke Daehyun’s heart a little.

 

Three years, and Youngjae still didn’t fancy Daehyun touching him.

 

“I will make you soup.”

 

“No, I don’t want it.”

 

Daehyun knew that Youngjae was in one of those mood when he’s being difficult—he got angry when he’s being accompanied but he didn’t like being alone. Daehyun had stayed in this kind of moods long enough to know that it’s better to keep some distant for him to sulk and hate the world, but not too far so he could still reach for Daehyun when he needed anything.

 

But this time, Daehyun knew something was off. Youngjae’s eyes were a little bit puffy and he hadn’t look Daehyun on the eyes long enough for him to observe. Daehyun knew that Youngjae had cried, and that was the reason why Daehyun didn’t bother to grab his jacket and drive straight to Youngjae’s apartment.

 

Three years, and that person could still make Youngjae cried himself to sleep.

 

Youngjae never told Daehyun about that person but Daehyun was sure that Youngjae knew he knew. The major heartbreak, the massive pain, the bleeding wounds that haven’t even start to heal. The amount of love they ever shared, all the imperfections and rough edges—all the star-crossed lover phrase that came true, all bad timing and love that wore off, also the presence of another heart who bore the same pain.

 

Daehyun knew, and he was stupid enough to stay despite everything that was happening, and everything that would happen.

 

Daehyun liked to think that Youngjae would get better. That the heartache he hide would surely disappear one day, and the wound Daehyun tried so badly to silently treat would someday heal and leave no scars. But Daehyun forgot that when a heart breaks, they went beyond repair—as it was a fragile thing that human being always failed to protect.

 

Daehyun learned it the hard way, that no matter how badly he wanted to heal Youngjae’s wound, Daehyun opened himself to the same amount of pain.

 

Jaebum and Youngjae had broken up in silence—no unnecessary dramas, no hard feeling. But Youngjae was hurt, Daehyun knew, and Jaebum was too.

 

“Can I come closer?” Daehyun asked. There were silence for a few seconds and Daehyun thought Youngjae was sleeping. But then the latter nodded, scooting his body a little to make space for Daehyun to fit in his blanket nest.

 

Slowly, Daehyun came closer and wrapped his lower body with the same blanket that Youngjae used. He was so careful so Youngjae wouldn’t get annoyed, it wasn’t everyday Youngjae wanted him to be that close.

 

“Can I hold you?” the questions were a form of respect that Daehyun sincerely thought Youngjae deserved, because he was in no position to do it to the younger man anytime he wanted. Youngjae was his lover, yes, Daehyun had persistently believed so.

 

But who was he kidding? Youngjae didn’t return his kisses, Youngjae never said ‘I love you’ back. Daehyun wasn’t a really lover for Youngjae. He was a compromise. Youngjae was so close to him yet so far. The distance between them couldn’t be measured by meters, but there were a long and undeniable barrier between them that Daehyun tried so hard to repulse.

 

Youngjae’s body was warm when Daehyun slided his one hand under his neck, and it sent a jolt of pain to Daehyun’s heart when Youngjae automatically curled up to his chest as if it was a shield he could use to protect himself from all bad things in the world.

 

Daehyun wanted to be Youngjae’s shield, _damn_ , he was willing to settle for anything, just anything to be able to stay close to the distant warmth inside his embrace.

 

Three years, and Daehyun still could not win any place inside his heart.

 

When Youngjae cried, Daehyun knew that he had admitted his defeat. For three years he had been quiet about all the heartache and tried to bear the pain on his own. But today, Youngjae didn’t even want to fight.

 

Daehyun wanted so badly to be the one who heal Youngjae, the one who hold him close and love him so much that he had no other option but to be happy. Damn, why would happiness even a choice for someone as beautiful as Youngjae?

 

Yoo Youngjae deserved the world, and Daehyun wanted to give him even more.

 

“Tell me what is wrong?”

 

Youngjae didn’t answer, but his body shook with violent sobs as he cried to Daehyun’s chest. Daehyun wrapped his arm tighter around the younger man, hoping that the warmness of his embrace could help to put his heart back together.

 

They stay quiet for a few minutes. Daehyun was stroking the back of Youngjae’s head as the younger man still trying to control his breathing. Daehyun didn’t ask any questions after the first one, a part of him didn’t even want to know what had gone wrong after Youngjae met Jaebum at that same morning.

 

Daehyun knew Youngjae had been in contact again with his ex lover. He noticed that sometimes Youngjae smiled to his phone when he chat, or when he received a long phonecall from someone that seemed to make his mood better. Daehyun had no power like that over Youngjae. His existence in the latter’s world were fragile, he could be dumped any second like the fallen leaves scattered by the autumn wind. Daehyun was never Youngjae’s first choice, but back then the younger man was hurt and he opened himself to any momentary comfort he could receive.

 

Daehyun was that momentary comfort.

 

Daehyun closed his eyes as he inhaled Youngjae’s natural scent. He smelled like the rain, like the comforting cold that soothe Daehyun’s thumping heart. Daehyun knew this day was going to come. The day when Youngjae realized that he shouldn’t be with someone who couldn’t make him happy. That no matter how much he tried, he still couldn’t squeeze a place for Daehyun to stay inside his heart.

 

But Daehyun was persistent, he wrapped his arms tighter as if Youngjae would be taken away by force when those arms got loose. Every fight Daehyun make to keep Youngjae beside him had hurt himself, every hope he hold on tight was slowly getting blurred and what’s left was his broken heart.

 

Daehyun pulled away from the hug slowly, making some space for him to stare at Youngjae’s red face. Youngjae’s eyes were casted down, but Daehyun was glad. He didn’t think he could take the pain that his brown eyes reflected.

 

His one hand moved to caress Youngjae’s full cheek, slowly trailing down his finger against every soft curve of the beautiful face. Daehyun wanted to remember how it looked, how it felt against his rough fingers. He wanted to save every little detail of Youngjae in his brain, because someday that was all left of Youngjae that he can own.

 

There was a distinct, awful pain that comes with loving someone way more than they love you.

 

Daehyun moved closer, capturing Youngjae’s chapped lips into a slow kiss. Daehyun moved his lips against Youngjae’s, but surprisingly, this time Youngjae returned the kiss. He sighed into the kiss and Daehyun tasted salt. Youngjae cried. He was acting like their kiss had broken him, and his raction was breaking Daehyun.

 

 _Three years,_ Daehyun thought, _three years and this is where I will lose him._

Youngjae pulled away from the kiss first, and Daehyun closed his eyes. All he felt was numb, there was no pain to fight anymore and maybe he was ready.

 

“I met Jaebum this morning,” Youngjae said. Daehyun flashed a sad smile. He could hear the pieces of his heart falling, the pain was intense but slow and it’s killing him.

 

“He’s breaking up with his boyfriend.”

 

Daehyun wanted to stop Youngjae, to just force a fierce kiss to shut him up but he stay still. Daehyun could predict where this was going and he knew there was no use to keep on hoping anymore.

 

Daehyun looked at Youngjae, and the latter was also looking at him. Their eyes met and Daehyun was afraid. He was surprised when a drop of tear fell from his eyes, but he quickly wiped it away and he sat up with an awkward movement.

 

The memory of Jaebum and Youngjae that he saw that morning flashed his mind. They were sitting comfortably in a coffee shop, looking as good with each other as they used to. Daehyun knew the story of Jinyoung too, whom Jaebum had chosen over Youngjae three years ago. And now that Jaebum and Jinyoung broke up, would Youngjae want to get back together with Jaebum? Maybe Youngjae would want to, maybe the wound on his heart would be healed if the one who treated it was Jaebum, the exact same person who caused it.

 

Youngjae sat on Daehyun’s right side, but Daehyun look away from him. The hurt on his eyes would be too evident, and he didn’t want his pain to held Youngjae down.

 

Daehyun felt his hand being held by Youngjae’s warm ones, and Daehyun wanted so badly to flinch. He wanted to yank his hands away and run, but he also wanted to savor every little ounce of warmness he could get before he goes.

 

“Daehyun...,”

 

He desperately wanted to beg for Youngjae to never call his name like that ever again. His ears made it sound like Youngjae actually wanted him to stay, and the sane part of his brain didn’t want to believe it.

 

Daehyun closed his eyes when Youngjae came closer and placed a slow kiss on the corner of his lips, he leaned so closely that Daehyun could feel Youngjae’s warm breath agains his skin. A major part of Daehyun’s brain told him to lean away, but the one who won against his body was the excruciating pain inside his chest.

 

“I’m sorry Daehyun, I am really sorry,” Youngjae said as he leaned his forehead against Daehyun’s temple. He held Daehyun’s hand tighter and Daehyun wanted to carve his own heart out of his chest.

 

Daehyun kept looking away, but then he felt a pair of warm hands cupping his cheeks. Daehyun closed his eyes as Youngjae pulled him into a kiss, a slow, sweet, yet heartbreaking one. Daehyun stayed still when Youngjae nibbled on his lower lip, he didn’t want to do anything. He let Youngjae inserted his tongue inside his mouth, and Daehyun held his breath. The kiss was enchanting, it felt too good that it didn’t feel real anymore.

 

How cruel would it be if this was how Youngjae say goodbye.

 

But the kiss didn’t feel distant at all. Instead of drifting apart, Daehyun could feel Youngjae’s heart beating in the same rhythm against his. Instead of hurting, Daehyun felt like he was healing from the inside. It really felt surreal and Daehyun didn’t want him to stop. The kiss felt as if it’s really out of affection. Not regret.

 

Youngjae caressed Daehyun’s cheeks with his fingers, but then he pulled away slightly as he felt wetness against his fingertips.

 

“Why are you crying?”

 

Daehyun flashed a sad smile. He looked into those brown doe eyes and God, he loved that man so much. Youngjae could tear his heart apart with his two hands and Daehyun would still love him all the same.

“Because I love you,” another tear fell from Daehyun’s eyes but he let Youngjae see it, “and you just kissed me as if you loved me too.”

 

Youngjae acted as if his heart was being squished. He furrowed his brow as if he’s in pain.

 

“Oh God, I do. I do, Daehyun, _God,_ I do.”

 

Daehyun’s heartbeat paused. He couldn’t find any lies in those eyes and that’s what made him afraid. He didn’t need another dream because when he wakes up all that would left was pain, and he’s got enough of it.

 

“What have I done, I am sorry, _God_ , Daehyun I am so sorry,”

 

Daehyun stared at Youngjae in disbelief. The man who was now cupping his face and staring deep down his eyes was real, his hands were warm and the warmness seeped to Daehyun’s cold heart, slowly patched up the wounds on it little by little.

 

Youngjae planted a kiss on Daehyun’s lips again. A little rougher this time, to prove that he wasn’t lying. To prove that he’s there and what he said was the truth.

 

Youngjae pulled out from the kiss and jumped to circle his arms on Daehyun’s neck, burying his face there to inhale Daehyun’s soothing scent.

 

“I am not good with people, I am so sorry if I’ve been hurting you, Daehyun, I can’t lose you too.”

 

It was still hard to believe, but Daehyun held Youngjae close to his body. Youngjae felt warm against him like the soft sunray when the dawn broke, he smelled like pleasant rain that fell in the middle of dry season. Daehyun couldn’t even begin to describe what he felt, it still hard to believe but the warm breath against his neck proved that Youngjae was real.

 

Youngjae was real and he had loved Daehyun back.

.

.

.

“Jaebum and I are both difficult person. We are not good with people. We were friends since highschool, we were compatible. We were almost the same person, same personality. We decided to date in highschool.”

 

Youngjae leaned his head against Daehyun’s chest, their limbs tangled under the blanket and the TV had shown blue screen because the film they watched has ended. Daehyun’s right hand was caressing his head, softly combing his jet black hair with his fingers. His other hand was folded under his head as an addictional pillow.

 

“Time passed, and along the way we knew that two exact same person would never make a happy relationship. Instead, we fought, we hated each other. Jaebum was just as stone headed as me, he was hot tempered, too. Our relationship wasn’t a healthy one, but we were too afraid to let go of each other. We were so used to each other’s company.”

 

Daehyun looked at the broken-white ceiling, focusing more to Youngjae’s voice than his story.

 

“Until Jinyoung came, and he was everything Jaebum needed that I wasn’t.”

 

Youngjae traced Daehyun’s grey t-shirt with the tip of his fingers. The sound of the air in Daehyun’s lungs and the strong beat of his heart was soothing, warming him better than the blanket nest.

 

“I was brokenhearted, badly, even. I felt betrayed, I felt defeated. It took me a long time to understand that love wasn’t about victory or defeat. I need a long time to realize that even when Jaebum didn’t cheat on me with Jinyoung, my heart would still be broken. Even Jaebum’s and Jinyoung’s too.”

 

Daehyun responded with low grunts here and there, signaling that he was listening to Youngjae’s voice.

 

“And somewhere along the way, you came.”

 

“You hate me though, back then.” Daehyun said, and Youngjae laughed a little.

 

“You were so persistent, You didn’t even flinch when I yelled at you. You kept coming to the concert hall to sneakily watch me play violin. You caught me cry, I didn’t like it.”

 

“I guess I fell in love with you when you cried.”

 

Youngjae smiled. It felt strange to be the one who speak the most.  Daehyun shifted his position, allowing Youngjae to rest more comfortably.

 

“So, Jaebum broke up with Jinyoung?” Daehyun asked, wondering why they broke up when all he knew from Youngjae’s story was how compatible they were for each other.

 

“Jaebum was difficult. He was hot tempered and he took people for granted. He had hurted Jinyoung badly, again and again for the last three years,” Youngjae inhaled, as if the next sentence was difficult for him to say, “Jinyoung couldn’t take it anymore, and he left.”

 

Daehyun was a little bit taken aback when Youngjae’s voice gets rougher, he sounded like he was going to cry. He paused for few minute but then Daehyun could feel his shoulder shook.

 

“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you crying?”

 

Daehyun shifted to pull away slightly, just to see if Youngjae was okay. But Youngjae didn’t want to pull away, instead he curled himself up to Daehyun’s chest even further.

 

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I did that to you, right? I hurt you. Why didn’t you give up on me?”

 

Daehyun smiled. How would he answer that question? He honestly didn’t know. How three years passed without Youngjae returning his kisses, how he spent almost everyday staring at Youngjae’s brown eyes that shone under the light.

 

“I wanted to,” Daehyun said, his thought flies to three years before, “but I keep remembering the first time I saw you.”

 

Daehyun buried his nose to the crown of Youngjae’s head. Suddenly everything felt right. His heart was light and the warmness from Youngjae’s skin seeped through Daehyun’s body.

 

“I fell in love with you when you were crying, Yoo Youngjae.”

 

Three years. And Yoo Youngjae was still the center of Daehyun’s gravity.

 


End file.
